Alien Contact Read online

  The machine translates.

  “Uh, they are ugly.” The machine says a few seconds later. Taylor and Hoffman share a look at each other. After a second, Hoffman responds.

  “Did they just call us ugly?”

  The orbs hear the translation, and the orbs hum and change color.

  “Oops, turn it off. Turn it off.” The translation comes through after the red orb has switched off the translator. Again, the two humans just look at each other. The experience has become surreal.

  The orbs hum and vibrate to each other for a couple of minutes as the humans watch. Then, the red one turns on the translator again. It rolls back to its previous position by the side of the blue orb. They hum and vibrate, and, after a few seconds, the translator speaks to them.

  “Sorry about my friend. Rywiuntytr was surprised by your appearance. It won’t happen again.”

  “Why are you here?” The machine translates the message.

  “We received a message from your ambassadors, Seinfeld, Kramer, Constanza, and Elaine. Are you them?”

  Taylor and Hoffman look at each other unsure of what to do. The blue orb continues.

  “The message wasn’t entirely clear. It appeared to be about nothing.”

  “Yes, it wasn’t clear. We apologize. I am Seinfeld, and this is Constanza.” Says Taylor. They wait for a response. “It is nice to meet you. Where are Kramer and Elaine?”

  “Sadly, they are no longer with us. They died some time ago.”

  They wait for the machine to translate their response.

  “I’m sorry to hear that. Kramer, especially, was interesting.”

  “Yes, he certainly was.”

  Again, they wait for the translation.

  “What happened to your planet? Does it have something to do with airplane food?”

  “A virus ravaged it. A handful of us escaped into space. It was caused by the airplane food. A terrible scourge was airplane food on the human race.” Captain Taylor says then waits for a response. He looks over at Hoffman and shrugs a bit. The phrase is translated to them. The beings receive it, and the blue orb communicates first. Then, the red one starts humming and changing colors at a rapid pace. The blue one responds, and they communicate for a minute as the translator starts to produce the translation

  “Seinfeld and Constanza, we are sorry about this airplane food incident.”

  “Are you joking me? These things have not figured out how to defeat a virus. They must

  be absolute morons.”

  “We’ve had plenty of our problems as a species.”

  “These beings should be more advanced than this.”

  “Don’t ruin this for us. I know you’re disappointed, but you’re meeting an alien race.”

  “Who cares? A microorganism almost wiped them out. And, what is the deal with airplane food? It just is bad?”

  “Please stop communicating. They can hear all of this.”

  They listen as the red orb berates them.

  “I don’t think this is a mistranslation.” Says Hoffman

  “It could come from the late 20 or early 21 century. It would account for all of the abuse, and I think that’s sarcasm.”

  The orbs continue to communicate, but the translator stops. It has been powered down.

  ““What the hell is Seinfeld?” Says Taylor.

  “I have no idea, Captain.”

  The red orb turns the translator back on, and it continues.

  “We have a cure for all viruses. If you have this virus, we can vaccinate you against it.”

  “Get it.” Says Taylor. Hoffman leaves the bridge and comes back with a small vile which he hands to the blue orb which disappears before their eyes. After a couple of minutes of silence, the blue orb appears again and rolls over to them. It protrudes out a squid like arm with a canister on the end. The translation starts again.

  “You just poke yourself with it. Then, you’ll be protected from the virus forever. That should be enough for thousands of your kind.”

  “Thank you.” Says Taylor. The translation takes a few second. The orbs light up again, and they wait for a response.

  “Yeah, no problem. So, like, your race is really in the rebuilding phase, huh?”

  “Yeah, I guess it is, but our future looks much brighter thanks to you.” They wait for it to be translated. The orbs change color and vibrate.

  “Yeah, sure. Umm, so this is awkward, but we should head out.”

  “But, you just got here. There’s so much you could teach us.” Again, they wait for the translation and response.

  “Well, considering your reduced numbers and lack of attractiveness, there isn’t much else we can help you with. Rebuild. We’ll be back soon enough.”

  “Wait, you’re not staying because you can’t have sex with us?” Again, they wait for the translation and response.

  “Well, we’ve been traveling for some time, two dozen sorloggs. Though lack of sex is not the only reason, it is the main reason.”

  “I thought you were higher life forms.” The machine again translates. They respond.

  “Look, it is not you. It is us.”

  “Whoa, whoa, don’t you give me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me routine.’ If anything, it is clearly us.” Taylor says angrily. Again, they wait for it to be translated and for a message to be returned.

  “Alright, it is you. Okay? We are going to go now. See you later.”

  “Alright, thanks again, I guess.” Says Taylor as the orbs disappear.

  The humans watch the ship speed away from Earth. It quickly disappears. Taylor and Hoffman just stand in shock for a few minutes. Then, Hoffman speaks.

  “Those things were assholes.”

  “Definitely.”

  “What the hell is airplane food?”

  “I have no idea, but, apparently, it and a man named Seinfeld are going to save the human race. Who’d have thought that?”

  “Not me.”

  “Me either.”

  “Wow, alien contact. It was surprisingly boring and annoying with the translating.”

  “Yeah, it was.”

  Both men go back to their tasks. They have a lot of work ahead of them.